Week 1

While the administrative machine of the OFFL gets its annual service before spluttering into action and hitting the main highways and byways of the fantasy road system, The Chairman has decided to go on a recruitment drive for more Umpa Lumpas. This time, in France.

For some unfathomable reason, ever since the new TV contracts pumped in even more money into the game it's been extremely tricky to get the level of home grown Umpa Lumpaism required for the job. Overseas Lumpas are so much cheaper. And this year, after scrutinising many an Umpa Lumpa video sent by his scout Tyte Gripp, Our Chairman is ready to interview.

And so, while we peruse and admire our early League leaders, we shall await the return of the great Chairman later this month. In the meantime, the second tranche of teams have arrived and will be scoring away with the rest of you as soon as they can.

And just to keep the apathy at bay a little bit longer there are unconfirmed rumours that a special prize is being donated to the OFFL Cup Prize fund. And we think it might be a Shoot annual.

That's it. A SHOOT annual.

Carry on.

TRICKLE OF TEAMS TURNS INTO TORRENTIAL TIDAL WAVE

Seasoned OFFLers on their holidays without internet access are ringing their hands in frustration at the thought of an OFFL season without them at the very start. Well, they would be if they'd had internet access to see that the league had started. But then that wouldn't work would it? Because they would then have been able to etc etc etc. At least they'll be grateful to have missed that rather contrived headline until later. I mean, what is a 'torrential tidal wave' really? Shoddy sub editing that's what that is.

In the meantime, it's purpose was to skew our attention towards the rush of OFFL managers taking advantage of the Score Now deal presented to the League by Our Most Gracious Chairman.

Now, if you find that you haven't made the deadline this week then fear not. Our current Champions won the league last season after entering three weeks late. I know, it still hurts most of you. So you're still in with a chance. A big chance. Get entering. NOW.

Download the friendly SelectYourTeam spreadsheet. Pick your team and send it in.

Simple.

Just like the League's current Champions.

Welcome to the OFFL Season 2007/08

Are you ready to pick your dream team? [Left: Chairman's Dream Team]

Are you ready to get it booted back in your face when it goes horribly wrong? [Right: Chairman boots it back in someone's face]

Then you're probably ready for The Office Fantasy Football League Season of 2007/2008.

Well, are you?

Maybe you haven't studied Match of the Day in as much detail as you would have liked. Maybe you want to just see how things turn out for the next couple of weeks before committing to a team that is then restricted to 12 transfers for the rest of the season. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But actually, you now have everything you need.

You have the players list, you have the rules.

You have £55million.

Now all you need is a funny team name and eleven players sent to me on the Very Helpful 'Select Your Team' spreadsheet.

As soon as your team is in, it starts scoring. Simple. Don't you think?

Well, don't you?

Get on with it then.

Oh by the way. Yes. That's correct. The Chairman Is Always Right.

It's time...

There’s a rather muddy ditch by the side of a country lane that winds itself through the beautiful Yorkshire Dales.

It’s about a metre deep. A depth that is perfect for any discerning fugitive in which to lie down and steal forty much needed winks whilst keeping the lowest of profiles.

Well, it’s a perfect depth for most outlaws on the run, for sure. However, it seems that The Chairman’s ventripotent rotundity is once again some cause for concern.

Whilst waddling around searching for somewhere to lay his sweaty balding head, a deed made all the more tricky after misplacing his much loved braces, the Chairman was forced into diving for cover when a horse and rider rounded a corner up ahead.

The abandoned pair of slacks resting in a heap on the road momentarily prompted a curious cock of the rider’s eyebrow as she clip-clopped past but, thankfully, it wasn’t enough to influence a dismounted investigation.

You see, she would have easily spotted the heaving hump of the top of a hefty human belly filling the ditch next to her. And by the time she would have approached, there would have been a deep, rasping, spluttering snoring…

And so...

It’s been a long cold, wet, pointless Summer.

Luckily that raid on OFFL HQ back in May had been badly timed by the authorities. Only moments before, the Chairman and his loyal Umpa Lumpas said their farewells and went their separate ways, dispersing around the country. Quickly, smoothly, without panic.

Leaving no traces of their previous presence.

Apart from a pair of over-stretched braces hanging on the back of the loo door and an empty crisp-packet on a coffee table by the photocopier.

But that was it…

And the Champions Are...

There are few people more petite than 'Big' Ant Reeves. Indeed, when you first meet him you get this ineffable urge to slip your hands under his armpits and lift him up onto the nearest chair in order to aid the ensuing high-pitched interlocution. Well, this week we, at OFFL HQ, can hear his almost imperceptibly high voice cheering like a girly small thing, celebrating his second OFFL Championship.

Mr Reeves: congratulations. You played the long game perfectly. Even to the point of entering your team after everyone else had. Already rumours are eddying their way to the Studmarks Offices about teams mounting court appeals against the League for allowing such behaviour.

Not that that will take any of the shine off what has been a marvellous season. And, like last year, the Championship went right to the wire. Five points finally separated Champions Anticlimax from Olymping Macdrid with only 12 points separating the top four.

No suspicions whatsoever were aroused when someone worked out that Anticlimax was an Anagram of 'AC Milan Tix'.

Left licking wounds [their own] are the season's pretenders: Irishpool, Charlton Alfetic, New York Red Balls and Chris Stool Poo Lice all had weeks at the top but couldn't turn their sprints into the ultimate marathon.

Another exciting year.

Manager of the Week
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Ashley Keeler
Football
17pts

It's the Last Week and the imaginatively named 'Football' net their manager, who inexplicably isn’t called 'Manager' but is in fact called Ashley Keeler, 17 points ensuring that no wooden spoonage comes Birmingham's way this season.

That honour goes to Dynamo Ledbolok. Adrian Bradley's awful team of pathetic no-hopers. His wife and son both finish the season higher than he. Much higher in fact. Much, much higher. Reports of moody breakfast-times are unfounded.

Also to be ashamed are the rest of you under the 200 point mark. Andy Straw's Nuttingham Florist only just reaching the total in the final week doesn’t completely avoid this humiliation and neither should it. Shoddy management all round methinks.

And now!! [Distant Fanfare].

The OFFL Cup
Final
Result
w/c 7th May

Fund-a-Mentalist FC 3 v 11 Nellies Overpaid Convicts

And the 1990 World Cup Italia England Football Team Squad Esso Coin Collection goes to Neil Davis for thwacking Sarah Bingham in the gob for 11 points against her face-scratching 3.

The favourites not only lose the final to Nellies Overpaid Convicts but also see the Cup Winners leap ahead in the final league placings.

Console yourself, Sarah, with the knowledge that you'll be receiving the 1990 World Cup Italia Scottish Football Team Squad Esso Coin Collection.

That's probably not helping is it?

Week 35: The Penultimate Week

What with the penultimate week seeing no continuation of the catching up of places Three and Four, it seems the head to head run off between Olymping Macdrid and Anticlimax goes into the final week unchallenged, with Anticlimax enjoying a two point lead and a better Points per Pound difference.

And breathe.

Next Week, Craig MacHugh McScrimgeour needs to steer his team to a score that is better than Anticlimax's by 3 points in order to stop Anthony Reeves from claiming his second Championship title.

Meanwhile, the destination of the cup will also be decided this week. Sarah Bingham, our most successful female manager this century, tries to pinch the nipples of Neil Davis before kicking him in the apex and running off screaming 'grape' and hoping to get away with it. The Esso Coin Collection destination awaits its new home.

Manager of the Week this week is Anthony Reeves of Anticlimax with 14 points. One more certificate winning week this season and he'll be crowned with that big ol' Championship Trophy. We wish.

Also of note this week, Dynamo Ledbolok reclaim the bottom spot from arch rivals Defoe King Ballacks. It seems the wooden spoon is being as hotly contested as the main prize.

Come on Scooch.