Week 22: OFFL Cup Knockout Fixtures Announced - Nobody Really Cares.

Manager of the Week is Steve Tierney with his Abeerden catching a large 26 point haul for the week.

Meanwhile we welcome a new manager, Francis Fox. His Rudolf Huckers re-enter the league with no hope of winning anything, yet plenty of promise in catching Ashley Keeler's Book My Face FC.

And while people discuss whether or not it's too soon for an inexperienced Shearer to join Keegan in managing Newcastle United, I realise that nobody actually pays any attention to this drivel do they?

I'll get me coat.

Paddy Mirams, falling, falling, falling. Minus 3, down eight.

OFFL Cup
Round Two, Knockout Competition
Fixtures, to be played in Week 25 [28th Jan - 3rd Feb]

Bangkok Burn FC		v		Jordan United
Decimated Left Peg		v		Inter Milandrover
Alfletico Madrid		v		Marauding Metatarsals '07
Tat Mucker		v		Radnorshire Tigers
FC Pratto		v		Wonka FC
Big Mac's Mingmongs		v		Wife #3
Dube Stars FC		v		Windmill United
Top of the Norm		v		Livercoolio
Lionel FC		v		Muffins Revenge
West Vam		v		Straw Bucharest
RS T-Boy		v		Better Late Than Never!
Abeerden		v		Moanchester Disunited
Irishpool		v		TriumphAnt
David Brentford FC		v		Johnny's Heroes
Waldron's Wanderers		v		Sheep City
Al-Quaida		v		Olymping Macdrid

If Then Else
In the event of a draw then the team with the better Points Per Pound ratio goes through. If this fails to produce a winner then we count the number of goals scored by the players. If that fails to divide the opponents then it's the team with the highest league position that goes through.

Week 21: OFFL Cup Knockout Stage Complete

As the credits roll on yet another annual broadcast of Muppets in Space, Our Chairman sinks happily back into his love seat, legs asplay over each arm, pop corn falling from his slobbering mouth. And while he daydreams of Miss Piggy in that outfit she wore in the scene where she falls down the stairs in the Muppet house [about a third of the way through] he starts to slip into a fantasy filled doze.

He is only woken by a brave little umpa lumpa telling him to attend to the end of the group stages of the OFFL Cup. And while Gonzo, unlike E.T., decides against leaving his Muppet friends on Earth for a life with his own kind, some of you will be forced to face up to being left behind with the other failed muppet managers as the great big flashing happy Space Ship of OFFL Cup Success lifts off without you.

Anyone want to phone home?

[*Andy Straw attempts to hide his throbbing glowing finger behind his back with an embarrassed grin*]

Manager of the Week is Neil McConaghy of Big Mac's Mongmongs with a score of 25.

Week 20: Have a Fabio New Year

Happy New Year to all of you managers from all of us here at OFFL HQ.

That'll do.

Martyn Field is the Manager of the Week with a massive, massive, weekly haul of 47 points. This shoves his team, Sheep City, up an incredible thirteen places. 47 points! Foof.

Surely that's enough to put the Sheep through to the knockout stages of the cup? What about the rest of you?

Week 19: Happy Christmas [for some]

As the Chairman flicks another winter-burned bogey into the footwell of his chauffeur-driven Ford Mondeo he contemplates the past year. Unable to remember further than this morning's Breakfast TV phone-in on Pointless Christmas Presents and feeling like he's been playing extra time in a Quidditch tournament actually Sitting On an inserted Nimbus 2000 he gives up and returns to his drug-fuelled hallucination-filled pain relief that comes free with all post-haemorrhoidectomy debrief packs.

Ah yes, Christmas. And Christmas in the OFFL at that. It kind of blasts past you in a spasm of 'Match of the Days' and 'Out Of Office' replies. Only to coagulate in early January with the news that you've been unceremoniously booted out of the OFFL Cup by someone at the bottom of the table. It's enough to cause a sphincter-flinch of yuletide over-panic.

Well, whatever happens to you and your kin during this period of fun-filled festoonery may you all have a simply lovely time.

May 2008 be full of smooth saddles, comfortable cotton underwear and softly-tapered brown baguettes.

Enough of bottoms until the New Year wethinks. Or until the six-week check up review at least.

Managers of the Week this week are coincidental husband and wife Sarah-Jane John and Russ Bielby. In that order. Both hauled in 21 points for their respective clubs.

Week 18

Right, Week 19's results start to count toward the OFFL Cup. Which means they'll start showing in the next edition of Studmarks.

Manager of the Week is Sheep City's very own Martyn Field. 19 points. Giving his team a boost of eight places in the league.

Must go: Week 19's results are already coming in.

Week 17

Moanchester Disunited has finally joined the OFFL under a cloud of miserablism and whingevity. We welcome you Mr Blundell. Albeit cautiously. [I used to know someone called Albert Cautiously - Chairman]. Going for the cup only this year will help Mr Blundell limit the number of things he will doubtlessly have to grumble about. Though one does suspect that with just the cup to play for and with his team's imminent exit from it, it might just all come out in one big black blob of blubbersome bile. So we'll wait and see on that one.

O!Score's manager, Oscar Bradley, is [by quite some way] the Chairman's favourite Bradley in the league so far. Commentators put this presidential preference down to being purely based on the grounds that Oscar's the only Bradley that can't yet talk. Oscar celebrates this fact by clinching the Manager of the Week certificate after scoring a massive 26 points.

Highest climber this week is Rafa Russ's Livercoolio who leap up a massive seven places in the league to stand at Eighteenth.

And nobody look at Mark Faulkner's Al-Quaida who just fell over, in a drunken lurch, seven places downwards. Twenty-eighth.

Oooh, that's going to hurt in the morning.

Week 16: The OFFL Cup Is Upon Us

With an astonishing midfield of Fabregas, Lampard, Gerrard and Elano; a very healthy ManU/Ars/Por/Eve defence setup; AND Tevez and Benjani up front, it's no surprise that Neil McConaghy's Mingmongs are seemingly running away with it right now. Stretching their lead over the chasing pack by at least 17 points, the rest of the league can almost make out a victory wiggle from those slim Welsh hips on the horizon ahead.

A timely reminder therefore, that it is marathon and not a sprint.

And let's face it... have you ever seen a Welshman with a wiggle ever win a marathon?

Well, have you?

No.

Manager of the Week this week is Matt Waldron. Waldron's Wanders notch up a large 23 points landing him the certificate ahead of fellow highest climbers [up five places all] Hilary Straw's Straw Bucharest, Rob Ivison's Wife #3 and Russell Bielby's Livercoolio.

And look, surely some sort of reward should be tossed out to Tom Vamos for scoring enough points to lift him off the bottom of the table. His West Vam climb TWO places!

It just doesn't get any more exciting [for him].

Oh yes it does...

The OFFL Cup

Current Champs: Neil Davis's Nellies Overpaid Convicts

Welcome to the Qualifying Round

Briefly:

1. Five groups of 8 teams, selected on the basis of this week's League positions.

2. Using the scores from Weeks 19, 20 and 21 the final positions of the teams in these groups decide whether or not they go through to the knockout stage of this most wonderful of competitions.

3. The bottom team of each group will exit the competition.

4. The three worst scoring 'second-from-bottom-placed' teams also exit the competition leaving a knockout tournament of 32 teams.

And don't forget, there's a Shoot Annual at stake [not 2008's though, cough].

You can view the groups by clicking here