Week 11: HAIL THE NEW LEADER

Neil McConaghy finally hops to the top of the pile as Smasher fails to continue to press the pace. Ant Reeves, current champions, is sneaking up on the top two tusslers by jostling himself into third and within striking distance of his throne. Tom Vamos on the other hand also displays his season-upon-season consistency.

Managers of the Week are Mark and Maddy Weavers and Rob Ivison of David Brentford FC and Wife #3 respectively. 22 points apiece. Not bad, not bad.

Everybody stare at Mike Smears of Irishpool. 1 point. Down six places. It's like kicking an old man when he's down, isn’t it?

---

And a Happy Birthday to Craig McHugh McScrimgeour. May his attempt to attend a Loopy performance on Wednesday the 7th November end pleasantly. I.e. by him changing his mind at the last minute cos he's noticed there's something more interesting on TV.

Week 10: Come On England!... Oh.

A European Championship Tournament with an England team present is like asking for a poll-positioned Lewis Hamilton racing car with a sticky neutral gear.

Which has just been unknowingly topped-up with diesel.

With the brakes unseeingly jammed on.

All very exciting to begin with, with commentators bleating that it's not over till the cheerful-personalited lady sings but ultimately it'll all end in tears. Like the Rugby. Perhaps.

So, let us rejoice in the fact that it's all unlikely to happen.

Now we, at Studmarks, come to think of it, remember the last time the Chairman enjoyed a healthy summer without any heart murmurs was 1994. The World Cup In Which England Didn't Qualify. Ah yes, the good old days.

Hey, at least the Chairman isn't Welsh.

[Gasps of indignant shock from a quarter of the League]

And while the nostalgia kicks in, we see that this week's highest climbers are Mark and Maddy's David Brentford FC and 'Hunt and Peck' keyboard-Specialist Paddy Mirams's Muffins Revenge. Both teams clamber upwards six places.

Managers of the Week... oh that makes sense; managers Mark, Maddy and Paddy. Another folk group awaiting formation.

Everyone stare at birthday boy Craig McHugh... minus 2. Shame.

Week 8: MARATHON'S 100 POINT MARK PASSED BY SPRINTERS

Last season's Week 8 saw Chris Nuttal's Chris Stool Poo Lice leading the title race on a score of just 93. And where did that team end up, I ask you?

['Nowhere' is the ostensible answer]

Meanwhile the eventual champs, Ant Reeves's Anticlimax, lay in Fourteenth with a mere 57 points.

This season, we see that three teams have already puffed themselves out by passing the 100 point mark carrying the very heavy back pack of Vain Belief [that they can win this competition]. It's a heavy load to carry. Particularly when you're trotting a little closer to the pace of a sprint than a marathon.

For it is indeed, a marathon.

Not a sprint.

Manager of the Week is Neil McConaghy of Big Mac's Mingmongs who scored a rather large 24 points. This pushes him ever closer to the top of the pile leaving his team to rest at second place. What a birthday treat for him to savour this coming Monday.

Highest climber this week is David Brentford FC, Mark and Maddy's team leap up seven spots to land at Nineteenth, slightly out of breath and with a lingering dizzying sensation.

Everyone stare at Gavin. Down seven.

Week 7: Dastardly Duo Drop

It doesn't take much to rock the boat in Derby. Apart from a navigable stretch of water and, of course, a boat. But in bringing this tortured metaphor to a premature close I quickly add that it is usually a passing train that rocks the, erm..., warehouse?

No. 1 Hit In The Making

Indeed, the Real-Sense boys have turned into the Non-Sense boys and are at each other's spotty throats. A war of words broke out between RS T-boy's Rick and Livercoolio's Russ. A shame, seeing as the pair would have made a great pop-duet band-name together. However, whilst Rick 'n' Russ's ruck has ruined that risible rumination it has, however, spiced up the league table somewhat.

Eleven Goals

Whilst we hope the débâcle of the first paragraph has been forgotten, we here at Studmarks, salute the OFFL Powers That Be for bringing in an even-handed referee's decision to penalise both Managers for ungentlemanly conduct. A large point fine for each sees them suffering penance at the bottom of the table. In our opinion, they got off lightly - we saw the emails that were flying about! Shocking stuff. Enough to embarrass the Chairman's silver-haired mother into dropping a stitch.

Manager of the Week this week is spat-free Matt Waldron who guided his Waldron's Wanderers to 21 points.

Highest climbers lever themselves up ten places. And they are Matt Waldron, Gavin Ward, Malcolm Pratt.

And everybody look at Rob Ivison. His Wife #3 slips down nine.

A NEW LEADER, PANIC BUYING AND BIT OF TEXTUAL HARASSMENT

It's not as if Our Great and Wise Chairman enjoys schadenfreude. Amusing himself at the thought of some people's misfortunes. Smugly sniggering at the silly slip-ups somebody else displays. Thigh-slappingly guffawing during a mid-air heel-click of whoopsome joy on his way to yet another lunch appointment. Taking much gleesome comfort from the calamitous catastrophes that others bring upon themselves.

GRAVY AND SPICES

But when they're served up on a plate with all the trimmings, gravy and spices he really does find it hard to resist. And that is, of course, why we love him so.

[And pause]

[Enter the sound of distant wind; a cold zephyr spinning some dried dead flora haplessly down the lonely old dust road]

[somebody at the back yawns]

And we all know that the moment a striker starts hacking up hatricks is the moment half the OFFL want a piece of him. Just before he breaks a nail and has to be sidelined for a year. But it's not the inevitability of the transfer scramble for Arsenal personnel that makes the Chairman smile. No.

A LITTLE STRAINED

It's the fact that an awful lot of competitive banter seems to fly around along with the transfers. Not least in Derby. Where the RealSense boys are finding things a little strained in that warehouse by the railway of theirs.

In fact it's got so bad that allegations of intimidation and bullying are rife. So bad, even, that one manager has 'ratted' on another.

Evidence has been provided to the OFFL of eBullying - a useful sort of intimidation that means you can hurt someone from a distance, over the internet, without really trying. [A deplorable activity, naturally].

BAR OF SOAP

So, in view of the available emails presented to OFFL HQ it has been deemed necessary to impose a Point Fine on one of our managers. The first Point Fine in two years. 30 points. Deducted. From Russ Bielby's Livercoolio.

Shocking.

The First Point Fine in Two Years, has it really been that long? Sigh.

Could that be why the Chairman is smiling?

Manager of the Week this week is Alfred Bradley for scoring 18pts for his Alfletico Madrid.

Highest climber this week is Mike Smears and his Irishpool who climb nine places with the biggest dropper being the Marauding Metatarsels. Down nine places.

Everybody stare at Gavin Ward.

Week 5

There are two types of OFFL Manager. We have the highly knowledgeable 'MotD-rewinder' who have their finger super-glued to the pulse of the Premiership. And we've got the no-hope, no-care, doing it 'cos I was tol' to, drawing-pin-in-a-list-of-players kind of person.

Let me elaborate: after a successful brace of international victories (thanks to the heroics of a certain striker who was absent from most of last season's world cup tournament campaign) the OFFL, perhaps shockingly, see absolutely no transfer requests coming in whatsoever for Emile Heskey.

Is it because the average OFFL manager knows nothing of recent footballing phenomena? Or, is it because the average OFFL manager is so clued up that they knew Mr Heskey was going to be out for 6 weeks with a stubbed toe? Hmm?

Managers of the Week
Steve Tierney and Smasher
[who fall into the former category]
of
Abeerden and Inter Milandrover respectively
22 points

Not manager of the week... Paddy Mirams [who also falls - from a great, great height into the former category too]. Nil points.

Take the shame.

Week 3: A Week in Provence

CROCODILE CUDDLING

Provence. So called because it was the First Province of Rome don't you know. Something like that anyway. In fact, the town emblem of Nimes is a crocodile cuddling a palm tree. Why? It was the badge of the third Roman Legion of Egypt, the veteran troops of which retired there.

SHORTER THAN AVERAGE

It's hard to really take in all the history of the surroundings when you're busy creating a complex cascade of croissant crumbs down one's ever-swelling belly. Pausing only to challenge shorter than average folk on their Umpa Lumpa qualities.

POLICE CONFUSED

The local Gendarmes weren't very understanding when the Chairman's explanation was partially described in loud and exasperated Franglais. But reports suggest that they actually thought the Chairman was trying to find out more about Pepin the Short. Father of Charlemagne. 714 - 768?

Anyone?

No?

Preposterous nonsense, surely.

Anyway, this is where you all stand in the gladiatorial arena that is known as the OFFL.

By the way, did you know that Arena comes from the Greek word for sand. Yes, really.

Well, that's what the Nimes Amphitheatre audio guide said.

Managers of the Week

Neil McConaghy and Edgar Rayner for scoring 17 points each for their Big Mac's Mingmongs and Shellbeej respectively.